Fight, flight, freeze or make friends?
Recent brain research shows that human responses are more primitive than we think, or certainly would like to think. The oldest part of our brain processes signals from our senses especially quickly and sloppily in dangerous situations. In the distant past there was a danger of an attack from a cave bear, but today it’s more likely to be criticism from your manager, a complaint from a customer, giving or receiving feedback. These situations can make your brain react as though you were being attacked by a wild animal. We no longer feel safe and fall back into automatic patterns. On top of that, according to the latest research it could be a lot more than just fight or flight.
Due to a demanding job, uncertainty about the future, tensions in a relationship or too many changes at the same time, we experience stress in our lives. Stress doesn’t have to be bad. We often perform better with a healthy level of tension. If the difference between what you have to do and what you want to do is too big for a prolonged period, stress becomes becomes negative. We no longer feel safe at work, in a relationship or in a conversation. Something that someone says pushes us outside our comfort zone and we fall back into automatic reactions. We often know very well that we are no longer effective in our responses, but our reptile brain takes over.
Our brain compares signals with previous experiences recorded in the oldest part of our brain, the limbic system. When the comparable situation has not been pleasant, this system sends you negative signals, such as a tight throat, pain in your stomach or heavy shoulders. These signals act as a red traffic light: stop! With a positive comparison, you start smiling, you get a lot of energy or another pleasant feeling with which the body wants to say: let’s go! The limbic system is many thousands of years older than the neocortex, which gives words to these feelings and experiences. The delay in the transfer between the two systems can run up to ten minutes. It is only logical, therefore, that you can have the feeling that something is not quite right, but you can’t put it into words yet. If you tried, you’d probably say something like: “I feel we should not do this, but I can’t tell you why.” If you could take a break, there is a fair chance that you find the exact words to express your concern.
“I shall take the heart…for brains do not make one happy and happiness is the best thing in the world.”
Tinman in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
It’s common knowledge that our bodies produce adrenaline at the first signs of danger, starting a fight or flight reaction. Recent studies show, however, that the level of oxytocin can also be rising, which leads to a different reaction. Oxytocin is referred to as the ‘love hormone’ which makes us look for friends in difficult situations or choose safety by freezing on the spot.
Fighting, fleeing, freezing and making friends take many forms. We fight by speaking loudly, dominating the other person, or imposing our opinion. Clear signals that can’t be missed. The expressions of flight or freeze are more difficult to read. We flee by withdrawing, either physically, mentally, or emotionally. We quietly disappear into the background and are no longer available in the discussion. We freeze by not wanting to change or seeking safety in rules and procedures. We want to collect more information before we react and postpone our decisions as long as possible. Another reaction is making friends. We do this by gossiping, conspiring with others, fishing for compliments or making uncomfortable jokes. These are all warning signals that indicate that the situation is no longer safe for us or the other person. If we learn to read these warning signals, we can restore safety and connection in an early stage.
Development @ Work supports managers and their teams to make these patterns visible in communication and collaboration. Should you want to know more about this approach, please contact us.
